if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I could fuck to npr.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
