sarcasm needs its own font
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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