feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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