Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
