"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The Olympian is in my bed
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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