dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
