if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
