i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
