just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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