When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
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I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
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So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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