3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
