i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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