in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
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While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
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The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
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