My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
