im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
