How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
