If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
