I CAN MOONWALK!
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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