nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
