Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
