I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
