True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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