My liver just broke up with me...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
