chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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