I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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