I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
