Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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