3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
