My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
