there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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