You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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