Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
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Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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