i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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