a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Randomize
