i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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