You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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