If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Dignity is for republicans.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
