I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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