woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
