1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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