i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Randomize
