i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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