why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
