Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She bit a glass in half.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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