no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
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I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
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Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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