highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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