She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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