help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
