No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
