we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
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I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
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I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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