There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
