well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
