And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
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Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
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I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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