Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
