I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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