hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
