ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
