I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
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My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
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One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
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