i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
