Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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